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1000 Golden Words About Sports That You Absolutely Could Have Lived Without and Will not Get Back

The dog days of summer are upon us. We recently officially welcomed the warm season and you know what comes with that? Well, not all that much sports-wise. The NBA Playoffs are over, the NHL has finished its final marginally relevant season (more to come on that), we still have over a month before we can actually use any “facts” when talking about Football, and the Baseball season isn’t far enough along for us to actually take a serious, dramatic interest in it. To make matters worse, Tiger Woods is done for the year. So watching Golf is certainly out. Golf without Tiger is like an episode of Entourage without Ari Gold, sure there’s a chance you might end up being entertained, but you sat down to watch Ari, if they told you he wasn’t going to be on beforehand, would you watch? (I wouldn’t.)

It’s interesting that just about everything good on TV is off-air in the summer. Besides the sports, all the TV shows are done. Hell, seasons of American Idol last for four years and somehow they find time to take July and August off. Maybe it’s a secret government mandate sent down with the goal of getting fat America off the couch to lose some weight. Survey says, “It isn’t working.” But I digress…

Any who, with no riveting sports stories, there’s really nothing to take any sort of stand on, it’s not like it’s an election year or anything. So, I wanted to have some fun, make some ridiculous connections, play into some stereotypes, and just paint the sports landscape with as irresponsible a broad brush as I can. Ready? Let’s get profiling!

- Don Imus and Warner Wolf is an interesting pair isn’t it? Who gave them a microphone? Forget the ridiculous things that come out of their mouths, when Inside Edition has to use subtitles to make sure you know exactly what they said about Pacman Jones, you think maybe it’s a clue to find some new blood? It is radio after all.

- And I don’t get why everyone is so up in arms about the Imus/ Pacman remark. I mean, I think Imus was telling the truth, he’s truly hurt by the racial profiling the Police in this country do. When a public figure can call a Women’s Basketball Team “a bunch of nappy-headed hoes,” who’s to say there’s no profiling in America? A valid point Sir Imus!

- I think I’m in the minority here, but I think the name change from “Pacman” to “Adam” will be a real career changer for Mr. Jones. I mean, I’ll still prefer to call him by his Stripper (Beating) name, but I think Adam is more fitting. He’s like the original Adam, and Roger Goodell is God. Go(o)d(ell) said, “Ok Adam, all this money and fame is all yours, I’m just going to give it to you, all you have to do is refrain from eating the apple (aka Making it rain). And just like the real Adam, you know Pacman is going to fail. Not only is he going to eat the apple, he’s going to eat the worm too.

- Something tells me that Jerry Jones took The Longest Yard a little too literally. At any rate, he proves that if you can throw your morals, ethics, and just general intelligence out the window, you can get some real bargains. But you can rest assured that there will always be someone to pay Michael Vick to fight dogs. When Tony Romo loses another playoff game because he was too busy hanging out with Miley Cyrus on the sidelines, big Jerry will be waiting outside Northern Neck Regional Prison with a big sign that says “Welcome Home Mike!” And you know what, people will justify it, Cowboys fans will give him a standing ovation after his first touchdown (which of course will follow 4 interceptions and a lost fumble).

- The NHL should have barred Barry Melrose from coaching. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s a great coach and will do a great job, but who’s going to see it? Without that mullet on Sportscenter, not even Sid the Kid can get people to watch Hockey.

- The Shaq rapping on Kobe thing got me thinking. Have you ever noticed that the NBA is almost a mirror image of the rap industry? Let’s explore this further:

- The NBA is the only major sport with an East Coast vs. West Coast rivalry. Sorry, the NHL again really doesn’t count as a major sport and you know it. The AFC and NFC aren’t geographic, and the AL and NL aren’t either.

- White guys suck at both, but hey, they get to make all the money off of it.

And to that point, doesn’t Kobe and Shaq remind you of Tupac and Biggie? They can’t stand one another, and are both the best around, but the entire country is split on who to root for. Kobe even kind of looks like Tupac when you think about it. Maybe that’s where he went. He didn’t die; he just went to the NBA (Run with that). And Shaq isn’t even hiding his similarities to Biggie. Hell, he even called himself Biggie. You can’t understand either of them when they talk, but when they rap somehow they are able to speak coherent words. It’s the Billy Idol principle. Billy Idol speaking sounds like a Soccer hooligan meets Farmer Fran in the Waterboy. But somehow, when he sings, you understand it all. Why doesn’t he just sing all the time? That would make for some interesting conversation.

And personally I like Kobe’s version of “Changes” better than Pac’s anyway.

Here’s a tidbit:

"I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself,

Will Kupchak trade me or can I trade myself?

I'm tired of always losing to that oaf Shaq,

My stomach's hurting and I'm looking for a Pau to snatch."

You have to admit, the guy has talent...

Well, there it is. 1000 golden words on sports that you could have absolutely lived without and will not get back.

About the Author

danosback loves to talk sports at rootzoo.com. He also enjoys writing sports articles for the members of RootZoo.

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